A Dolphin Talks

 


Subject: Advice please

From: "John J"

Dear Sir,

I am a young Pilchard with little experience in the big world. I am hoping you can help dispel a terrible rumour which is currently circulating my school. This rumour suggests you Dolphins and other fish eat smaller fish like me. Please tell me this is not so.

Dear Young Pilchard,

Take no notice of rumours, which should always be ignored. Instead, seek advice from your elders, teachers and trusted friends. I would be most happy to answer any questions you might have, and to tell you some facts about life. If you would like to give me your current whereabouts, perhaps we could meat for breakfast. Bring some friends.

Drooling in anticipation

A Dolphin


Subject: Fingers of freedom

From: "William L"

Since visiting your website and being convinced of the cause, I have released 30 of our brethren back to the foaming deep. Remember! Fingers, fingers - compressed cod swim free!

Dear William,

Bless you and your mad fanaticism. I pray that more humans will be swept up in your wave of psychotic passion and that, soon, human-kind and fish-kind can all live together in a sun-drenched harmony kind of way. We're working hard down here, influencing sharks to stop eating surfers, so if you keep pushing up there, convincing idiots why they shouldn't be so, before you know it creatures of the land and creatures of the sea will no longer eat each other (except prawns, okay? They're too yummy... and pelican lips.) All of us here are praying for your soonest possible release, pending the psychiatric evaluation.

Yours fate fully

A. Dolphin


Subject: TFDM

From: "Barb C"

What a unique set of stories. Reminds me of something some of my seventh graders could not understand, but would write.

Dear Barb,

Thank you for your quaint comments, and for the virtual butterflies that came with your email (I removed the pins and released them). I hope the seventh graders you refer to are school children and not your personal rating on people of differing abilities. We don't encourage opinions like that down here. Sure, big fish eat little fish and bigger fish eat the big fish. And even bigger fish eat the bigger fish which are eaten by the evan bugger fish which swim over from New Zealand and ... sorry. The point is, well there is no point really, especially if you have just been sold life insurance by a Hammer Head Shark.

Yours in a chemically treated oil slick

A. Dolphin

Ps: I trust "Barb" does not mean you are in any way related to a harpoon?


Subject: I Love Dolphins

From: "Mikael J"

Hallo!!

I'm Swedish girl at 13 years, and I search a summer job to next years. My best dream are to swim with dolphins in Florida! Can you fulfill my dream, and I can be with you and the dolphins. Wrote to me please!

Dear Mikael,

I am not sure about the laws in your native Sweden, but over here it is illegal to "love" Dolphins. However, we must all hold onto our dreams and I hope one day you can swim with a Dolphin, which is much better and safer than "swimming with the fishes."

Drop us a line and updated picture when you turn 21

A Dolphin


Subject: Fish finger liberation

From: "Sarah H"

Dear A. Dolphin,

Here in South Australia, we have heard of the quest to return fish fingers to the sea. When I finished school after first hearing it I immediately stopped at my local supermarket and bought every packet of fish fingers in the store. To help transport them I also liberated a shopping trolley. When I got home I flushed them down the toilet, as they will eventually end up in the sea. I hope to encourage many others to join us in this great crusade. LONG LIVE THE FISH FINGERS.

My Dearest Sarah,

Glad to hear you are helping with the cause, even if you are a little misguided. You see, flushing fish fingers down the toilet where you are means they will be diverted first to the Murray River (a source of your drinking water) and so their journey becomes a protracted one. And only inexpensive, no-brand fish fingers should be flushed down toilets as they are used to this type of treatment. It is best if you first acclimatize them in salt water before taking them down to the beach for release. Give them a hat and sun glasses and rub on some 30+ sun tan oil to stop them turning golden-brown. Keep an eye out for sea gulls, unemployed fast food workers and other predators. Thanks for joining the cause.

Your close friend

A. Dolphin


Subject: Send me info

From: "Patrick S"

Please send me some information or whatever you have concerning this homepage on Tuna. Thank you.

Dearest Patrick,

Let us make something quite clear. This site is actually dedicated to the majestic Dolphin rather than the lowly tuna who are, to be quite honest, not the brightest. They learn very little at school and digress from there. And tuna have outrageous accents too, calling kelp "Kilp" and sharks become "Shucks". Talking to a tuna is like talking to a mangrove swamp... only a mangrove swamp smells better. So to ask me for information on Tuna is somewhat like going to the London Philharmonic Orchestra and asking for Ladyboy Gaga's autograph. However, since you've asked, here is all you need to know about Tuna:

Tuna don't pay their taxes on time.

Tuna don't brush there teeth.

Tuna do not realize they are the laughing stock of the ocean.

Tuna taste much better than Dolphin which is not at all whatsoever tasty.

Yours Sincerely

A. Dolphin


Subject: Dolphin free tuna meat

From: "Craigman"

Do you know the legislation involved for companies to have the right to print "Dolphin Safe" on their labels? I am interested to know. Thanks a lot.

Hi there Craigman,

Legislation regarding what is and what is not "Dolphin safe" is rather simple; unfortunately it doesn't seem to have been translated into Japanese. Drift netting, long-line trawling and Kim Kardashianing are all considered to be very dolphin unfriendly, if not totally Kanye. Now if you could translate that into Japanese I think the world will be a much better place. Kabuki theatre is Dolphin safe. I like Kabuki theatre. All the actors look like those lovely folk from the Titanic when I saw them last.

Yours Sincerely

A. Dolphin


Subject: I was just wondering

From: "Anna R"

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?

Dear Anna,

This one; please visit some time. Bring oysters.

Yours Earthly

A. Dolphin


Subject: Behavior

From: "Channel Isles"

I must ask a question I'm sure other sailors are curious about as well. When out sailing, occasionally one or more of your folk seem to get all excited by our boats, and swim furiously around us, jumping and generally carrying on. I never know what it's all about. Are you that interested in having your pictures taken? Do you want to "come aboard" for a beer and nosh? Should we bring mackerel or anchovies along on our next sail?

Hello there sailor!

Thanks for your interesting questions. Mostly we Dolphins have races with each other and we use the waves generated by your vessels to maximize speed or to hitch an easy ride. You surmise correctly about us having our picture taken; it is one of the reasons we jump out of the water. Another is a dose of crabs.

Looking forward to the beer and nosh

A Dolphin


Subject: Tuna Free Dolphin Huh?

From: "Wallo B"

With a name like Tuna Free Dolphin Meat, I was helpless. Not clicking that link would have been harder than teaching my cat to operate a wood lathe. Your site is truly a gem! I'm still chortling over the Venus Moose Trap. Thanks for brightening (and befuddling) my day.

Dear Mister B,

With a name like "Wallo" I was helpless. Not responding to your email would have been harder than a Groper at a Mermaid revue night.

Thank you for your kind comments

A. Dolphin


 

 

Evolves weakly

 

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